Back to Square One

Back to the beginning.  When I was small and the world was big.  The pain of my childhood is shaping who I am now.  My inner child is safe, she made it.  No longer is it about survival, it is about thriving.  To embrace the future I have to banish the ghosts in my past, right from the very beginning.  Oh Christ, this is going to be painful.  Never before have I allowed myself to cry but soon I think I will have shares in Kleenex. 
Tonight I finished my sample square, she isn’t perfect but I like her. Tomorrow progress on the long scarf begins…

  

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Einstein’s Definition of Insanity 

Today I took up the needles for the first time to knit myself a scarf.  In fact it is not just a scarf it is a symbol, a symbol of my journey to recovery.  Something I can physically hold and say ‘I am doing this’.
Well, I spent my Sunday making the same mistake over and over.  Unravelling more than a dozen times to begin again.  Each time I started eagerly, careful and consistent, thinking that this time I would get it right that last time I didn’t try hard enough. However, the outcome was always the same – additional stitches were appearing from nowhere.  I had started with 22 by the third line I had 25!  It was only when I felt like giving up and writing off knitting that I looked to the Internet for assistance and the first video that greeted me explained clearly where I was going wrong.  Why hadn’t I done this earlier!  Why had I wasted my day making the same error numerous times!  Indulged endlessly in self-flagulation.  But!  Now I know better! Tonight I have left my needles and yarn to sleep easy hosting a single stitch promising of the work to come tomorrow on the path to success.

  

FAO: Borderline Personality Disorder

Dear Borderline Personality Disorder,

It’s nice to finally meet you.  You’ve been my puppeteer for most of my life, unfortunately it was only when your strings were tangled round my neck tighter than ever before was I able to see them.  Cutting one string loose at a time I am embarking on a journey to recovery, relegating you to being but a footnote and me the director of my own future.

A Damsel Not In Distress